Are you waiting to be chosen?

She sat staring at her computer screen, logged onto MSN Messenger. She was waiting for him to sign on. She saw his name appear online and her eyes twinkle. He says, “Hey, how’s it going?” From then on they speak for hours into the night. Chatting about all sorts of random things. They end their conversation because it’s getting late. She goes to sleep with a smile on her face. She thinks to herself, out of everyone, all the girls he could have spoken to, he spent the night chatting to me. He really likes me.

Her hands are placed on her hips. She’s moving side to side, checking herself out in her bedroom mirror. She’s been on a diet recently to lose a bit of weight. She tucks her school shirt into her skirt and rolls her skirt a few inches higher than usual. She’s ecstatic. Her stomach looks flatter; her legs look leaner. She says to herself, “Everything’s different now, he’s going to notice me.” She grabs her bag and goes off to school. She walks through the hallway, trying to catch a glimpse of him. She can’t see him, where is he? Then there he is, standing next to the water fountain, laughing away with his friends. She catches a reflection of herself in the hallway window. She’s smiles with confidence, admiring the way she looks. She starts walking, the distance between them starts closing in. She passes by him nonchalantly and enters into her English lesson and asks her friend, “Did he look at me?” Her friend replied, “I don’t think he was paying attention.” She started to beat herself up. Maybe if I walked past more slowly he would have seen me. She started imagining what would happen if their eyes met. This could have been the moment that changed everything. I messed up. From then on, in every way possible ‘non-desperate’ way, over the next few weeks, she tried to get him to notice her. Any day now he’ll approach me and ask me for my number. Or maybe he’ll send me a friend request on Facebook and we’ll start chatting. But this didn’t happen. She asked herself,  what was the point of all this effort? I went on that insane diet. I did liquids only days, starved myself, exercised like crazy just to look skinny. I thought if I was skinny he would finally notice me, find me good looking and fancy me.

She was sat at her desk at work, typing away, trying to quickly answer an email from her manager. She was rushing because she wanted to make the five o’clock train. This could be the day where he could speak to her. She finished the email, logged off her computer, said bye to all her work colleagues and quickly rushed to the bathroom. She quickly checked her hair, dusted her coat and reapplied her red lipstick. She felt she surpassed herself today, she’s never looked better. Its been a year now since she fancied him. They’ve both been on the same train everyday for the past year. She got herself a seat on the train and today she was sat opposite him. He was sat, with a kindle in his right hand. She kept peering over her phone to see if he might be looking at her. She thinks to herself I’ve tried every different look I could imagine he might like. Different hairstyles, outfits. But no matter how hard I try, no matter the shade of of my lipstick or the contour on my cheeks, he doesn’t flick an eyelid. Maybe I’m not pretty enough? Because if I was, there would be no way a year would go by without him approaching me.

She wants to get married. She’s met countless suitors through family contacts and even chatted to many potentials online. She’s spent hours, refreshing her inbox to see if the he’s replied to her message on the matrimonial website. She asks herself, did he like my picture? She’s spent days experimenting with her hijab style and natural makeup look, to decide what he would like when he comes to see her for the first meeting. Is this lipstick too dark? Will it make me look less practicing? She feels tired. She’s exhausted. Time spent on countless: meetings and email exchanges. All that money spent on trying to make a good impression, all gone to waste. She keeps getting rejected. She starts to think, what’s wrong with me? She rationalizes that there’s too much competition out there. How was she going to stand out compared to the thousands of other girls, who may be thinner, prettier, smarter, more educated and more accomplished? Who’s going to like me?

You could wait for him to make the first move and give you the attention you crave. But he still doesn’t choose you. You could go on some extreme diet, to lose weight because you think if you look skinnier he will fancy you. You could polish up your style. Wear your hair differently. Show off your figure with an outfit that highlights those curves you’re proud of. You could over line your lips, because you think fuller lips will make you look more desirable. Your eyebrows could be on fleek your face contour and highlight game on point, but he still doesn’t give you a second look. You could change your personality. You could change the way you talk. You could adopt his interests, become a gamer geek or a football fanatic, yet he still doesn’t like you the way you like him. He still doesn’t choose you.

Women have gone through some of these or other extremes to be chosen by a man. But why does a women have to go through all of this? Why does she have to be chosen? If we take a look at conventional societal norms of pursuing romantic relationships then we can see it is the man who takes the lead. He decides if he likes you and if he does then he’ll pursue you. If there is something real between you, then you are the one he has chosen to end up with.

These somewhat assigned gender norms have been ingrained into the minds of women. In the extreme sense it has resulted in women becoming the victims. Victims of helplessness. As, if they are on a conveyor belt of an assembly line. If he doesn’t choose you, you get thrown into the reject pile. Because you are faulty. 

But you don’t need to be a victim. You don’t need to feel like you’re faulty. You are not waiting to be chosen. You should be waiting to choose! You shouldn’t need to change anything about yourself. You shouldn’t need to go to extremes to change the way you look, walk, talk, your personality or even interests. If you have to go to such extremes and a man chooses you, then he’s not the right man. There’s a difference between living a healthier lifestyle, becoming fitter, wanting to: look better, improve as a person and pursue different interests. But the difference is that you are doing this for yourself because you want to be the best version of you. You want to develop as a person and grow. But when you are doing these things because you want someone to choose you. You are placing conditions upon your self-worth.You are becoming a victim.

When you adopt the mentality of a chooser. You are empowered by your self-love and acceptance. You know what your strengths and weakness are. You know what you love about your character. You can list what you love about yourself. You know what you can offer as a person. You fully accept who you are on the inside and out. Of value, is who you are on the inside. So, when someone rejects you, you are not bothered by it. That’s their loss. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t bog you down. You accept it and move on. You don’t need to go to any extremes. You truly know who you are. They didn’t appreciate your essence. You’ll come across the right person for you and when is it the right time you’ll be choosing, you won’t be waiting to be chosen. 

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