I'm Sorry

Are you one of those people who often apologizes? 

Do you find yourself always saying, “I’m sorry?”

If you reflect on them apologies, are they due to actions that truly warrant an, "I'm sorry?"

I’m guessing your answer is, no.

Thinking back over my, “I’m sorry,” journey, I feel years of conditioning ingrained this statement into my mind, allowing it to become an automatic response. To reflect my adherence to the laws of good mannerisms I had to engage in this behaviour. Saying sorry, when it wasn’t my fault, was the polite thing to do. Someone could nearly walk into me and I would say, "I’m sorry." I would be standing in a queue and I would say, "I’m sorry" to the person behind me, even though it was my rightful turn to be served next. Someone else acted wrongly in a situation but, I would be the one to say, "I'm sorry." There have been countless situations in which, "I'm sorry" became my go-to, reactionary, response.

The, “I’m sorry” I most loathed making was when I took on the role of peacemaker. An, “I’m sorry”, to diffuse the situation, to prevent it from escalating. This responsibility was heavy. It had always been my role, set in stone. Everyone could go on as they were, yet, I remained stuck, slowly sinking into the "I'm sorry" quicksand.  Apologizing where I wasn’t in the wrong, was always emotionally draining. I knew I wouldn’t be understood, there was no point in explaining my side. It was easier to say, “I’m sorry.” The overwhelming feeling was of injustice, I was disregarded. In taking care of the feelings of others, I sacrificed myself.

I sacrificed myself, for individuals who had no idea of what I was going through or how their actions were hurting me. Why did I decide to become a martyr? Why was it my responsibility?

For as long as I have known myself, the idea of hurting someone else’s feelings due to what I could have said or done was unbearable. Even the slightest inkling to this wouldn’t let me sit in peace. A deep guilt would take over me and the magic words, “I’m sorry” would flow out, wiping all the emotional messiness away. So, in being cautious of hurting someone else’s feelings, “I’m sorry”, became this tool from my emotional safeguarding toolbox. A tool I kept utilizing, even to my own detriment.

If I didn’t do anything wrong and someone else’s feelings got hurt, why was I apologizing? I had come to realise that I was apologizing for someone else’s process. If they were hurt due to a specific instance, then that was something they needed to reflect on; what caused them to have that particular reaction in that moment? But, this level of self-examination requires self-awareness. Many people are not aware of themselves in relation to others. So, then how would they know if there is something within them that is causing their feelings to be hurt?

Even if others may be lacking in their self-awareness, I am not. So, when the situation rightfully requires, I will say, “I’m sorry.” But, if it doesn’t I am not going back to old habits. I am done saying, "I'm sorry," without meaning. I have retired from the role of peacemaker. I am not apologizing for someone else’s process. In taking care of the feelings of others, I am not going to forget myself. I am no longer disregarded. I am no longer secondary.

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