I don't want you to work after marriage

It’s been nearly a year now, since I have been husband hunting. This process hasn’t been easy or simple. I feel like I am constantly coming across barriers. One of these is: I don’t want you to work after marriage.

Having grown up in England I think to myself, why is this statement being made by a man who has grown up in the same society? But, when I take a closer look at their South Asian background it provides me with the answers. Even though they may have grown up in England, they were still influenced by their South Asian culture. Couple this with a more conservative religious understanding and hey presto you give birth to this particular mind-set.

These men were well educated, had good jobs, adopted various hobbies and were practicing Muslims who were involved in seeking Islamic knowledge. They seemed like individuals who adopted a balanced holistic viewpoint of life. I have South Asian parents and they have never stopped me from working or studying. They have always wanted me to use all opportunities at my disposal and be financially independent. Such men must have sisters, would they want the same for them? To let go of all their hard work, effort, ambitions and dreams. So, when I asked these men what they thought of their wife working or studying after marriage, I was somewhat stunned by their answers. It made me sense that they preferred their potential wife to not work or study after marriage.

But, I didn’t appreciate this viewpoint. How could you raise a daughter and tell her, reach for the stars, the sky has no limits. But when it comes to marriage you are telling her, sorry, she needs to forget about them stars, the sky has closed in. Most women of a South Asian background who live in a western country are being raised to pursue further education and settle in a stable career. They are told of the importance of being financially independent, in case in the future things don’t work out. They can’t place all their eggs in the basket of marriage. Then these contradictory viewpoints exist, where to some extent the women’s independence and her desire to be her own person is being extinguished. If girls are being fed one thing, what are parents/families feeding their sons? It doesn’t make sense!

When I look more closely at traditional gender roles within the South Asian culture my understanding is slightly illuminated. Traditionally, women have been assigned the role of a home-maker. Their responsibilities include maintaining the house, upbringing the children and taking care of their husbands. So, according to the norms of most traditional South Asian cultures, it is not liked for a women to work because this may then compromise her homely duties. God forbid a man may have to wash the dishes or even cook- the travesty!

So, when these men placed limitations on me working or studying after marriage or after having children. I imagined myself slaving away over the stove, looking a mess, three babies crying and feeling trapped. I started to panic. This would be my worst nightmare! After a momentary lapse I snapped out of it. I began thinking to myself, most of these men know how far South Asian women have come. They study and even work alongside them. They see their involvement in different fields of work, communities and the mass media. They have been exposed to their novel contributions and successes. So, why do they still grasp onto this traditionalism? Why is there no choice? For certain men only those women were acceptable who didn’t want to work or study after marriage or worked according to a specific time limit or number of hours.

I then turned to my religion. I thought why would such self-proclaimed 'practicing' Muslim men think this way? My Islam, the religion I understood of my prophet Muhammed (SAW) did not prescribe such views. The prophet Muhammed (SAW’s) first wife was older, wealthy and a business women. The prophet Muhammed (SAW) was her employee. The prophet Muhammed (SAW's) wife Aisha (RA) was the first female scholar of Islam. Within the early centuries of Islam women were actively involved in government, business and Islamic education. I could give so many more examples of the involvement of Muslim women within society. Within Islam a women is allowed to work and study. These ‘supposed’ practicing Muslim men are aware of the rights of women in Islam and the level of involvement of the Muslim women of the past. Then why do they still want to take this choice away?

The only answer that comes to mind, is selfishness. If a women wishes to work or study after marriage, this does not mean she will not give you or your children time and attention. It does not mean she will forget about you. You don’t need to feel threatened. What is of importance is the element of choice. A practicing Muslim man should place the power of choice within the women’s hands. It is for her to decide if she would like to stay at home or pursue work and/or study after marriage. A practicing Muslim man in my opinion would be someone who supports his wife’s dreams and ambitions. More so, he should help his wife realize her passions, lighten her burdens and motivate her when she is finding work/studies hard. When people paint the picture of marriage they always emphasize the women supporting the man in whatever he does. The woman is standing beside the man, her arm placed within his, symbolizing eternal support. But what about the women? Does she not need any support? Yes, she does. My religion, Islam depicts this as a mutual affair, 'They are as a garment for you, as you are for them.' (2:187).

So, where does this leave me? I am not going to compromise my core principles and values. I am not influenced by cultural practices that are meant to favour one individual more than another. I believe in treating people justly. We all have wishes, dreams and want to live a life where we can be truly who we are. I know what the religion of my beloved prophet Muhammed (SAW) teaches me. I still hold a beacon of hope filled with faith and trust in Allah. He will allow me to meet someone who will not quash my essence but rather will be my biggest supporter and I his.

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