Monday, 6 June 2016

Why am I so fat?


I have asked myself this question when stood in front of my bathroom mirror grabbing them jiggly pieces of flab before going into the shower. I have asked myself this question when I looked at myself in a changing room mirror whilst examining the fitting of an outfit. I have asked myself this question when trying to take a selfie or group picture in the least ‘fat’ looking angle that I could. I have asked myself this question after getting off the weighing scale, and not seeing a change in the numbers. I have asked myself this question before stepping into the Muslim marriage market. Will my value as a potential prospect be lowered because of my weight?

Why am I so fat? A question that has knocked on the door of mind too many times.

To some extent I have let my outward appearance define me. My supposed ‘fatness’ equated to my level of self-worth. The more ‘fatter’ I am the more of a failure I am. Your reading of this latter sentence, as well as, the title of this post may have made you feel like I am being too harsh on myself. I don’t like using the word fat. I hate the word and all its connotations. But, I feel the ugliness of the word, accurately portrays the ugly feelings it has made me feel throughout my life.

I know I’m not the only one and to be more specifically, the only woman to have felt her weight, her outward appearance defining her. I am sure this question has lingered in the mind of many across the world. If we open our eyes to the happenings of the world we see a rise in eating disorders across a big age spectrum in women. Those who have severely malnourished themselves and become anorexic. Those we are most likely unaware of, who purge in secret after every meal. Who binge eat and then purge because the guilt of eating certain foods contradicts this image they are trying to or hoping to attain. Then those who outwardly look like they are the victims of a lack of self-discipline. But inside they too battle with their self-image and the negative feelings associated with what they see in the mirror and how others treat them.

Throughout my life I have always felt like the ‘fat friend’, ‘fat relative,’ ‘fat sibling,’ and so on. I remember as a teenager wishing I would wake up skinny and then facing the disappointment of waking up to myself again. I remember looking at all the ‘thin’ girls of similar age, be them friends, family or strangers and feeling somewhat inadequate; feeling like it was unfair because I was stuck in this body. Throughout my life I tried constantly, on the eve of a new Monday. This was it. I was going to go on a diet and exercise regularly. I was finally going to be skinny. But then I would fail. I could not be consistent; I did not have the self-discipline. I would look at them skinny girls, indulging in every food I craved and I would feel angry. How could they be blessed with skinniness and indulge?

Rather than continue in slipping into a cycle of despair about my weight, I decided to be proactive. The focus became: improving my fitness, physical and mental health. Crucially, I was not going to let my weight define me anymore! What defines me are my: values, character and skills. I am more than the size of my waistline.

There have been periods where my self-image did not bother me. These thoughts become dormant. But, then somehow, negative thoughts about my weight followed by disappointment and intense sadness would creep in. As, I have grown as a person and began to travel on a journey of self-love I learnt to re- wire these negative and maladaptive thoughts regarding my self-image. Moments of: reflection, introspection, analysis of the roots and maintaining factors of these thoughts allowed me to begin breaking these negative associations. I began to recognize and enhance  my character, focusing more on the inner self. As, the outer appearance may change but the inner self remains. 

I may never be able to fully get rid of the naggings of my inner critic, but I have learnt to recognize and silence these thoughts, close the door on them, throw a spanner into and disrupt this cycle of self-deprecation.

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