Disconnected

You were the first ones to come into my life

All you ever gave me was mixed messages

I accept you

You are deserving of love

You are deserving of care

You are good enough

Or

You are lacking, deficient

There's something wrong with you

You are totally worthless

It became time to branch out

Turn to others

I wanted a clean slate

Maybe things would be different this time

I was given the same

Or worse

I realised I would always be a zero in every pair of eyes

I  didn't belong anywhere

There was no room for me to fit in

I had a deep craving

For value wherever I could find it

I kept dreaming

To be heard

To be seen

To be loved

Permanence, was dangling in relational limbo

Never thinking I could be deserving of anything

It was you

Or me

Who kept inflicting them blows

Inside the cracks kept multiplying

I lost count

I was getting closer and closer to shattering

I was scared

If I broke

Would I lose the chance to be truly and completely whole?

I was in constant loss

A human in disconnection

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