So, what do you do?

Over the years, I have noticed that a staple conversational point in meeting new people, catching up with acquaintances and friends was always education or career related. Majority of the times it would be posed in the manner, so, what do you do?

There would be those who would go out of their way to ask this question. Feeling superior in their educational and career success, they looked forward to belittling others. The responder would either answer unexpectedly by rivalling or exceeding the askers success. Leaving the asker to retreat in their arrogance and swiftly change the conversation. Or the responder would feel uncomfortable answering, as they felt their career or educational status was not good enough. Out of not wanting to seem or feel inferior they would try and embellish what they do. But the asker would easily suss this out, allowing them to conveniently bring the conversation back to themselves and gloat about their successes.

I have been asked this question through various points in my life. In some moments I felt happy to answer. I was content with my career and confident with where I was heading. Then at some moments I dreaded answering this question. When I was in a job that I was not proud of having. I felt embarrassed because I felt it was beneath me. When I was unemployed. I would try and answer as vaguely as I could and swiftly turn the conversation towards the asker, focusing all questions on them. Sometimes, I would dig myself into a hole and begin justifying my unemployment by explaining my career direction and prospective job openings. I always sensed the faces of some askers reflecting disappointment. They had this image of the younger me, who was smart and excelled in school. There was no room for doubt in my future success. So, when my answer did not reflect this, they saw me as a failure.

After having these exchanges, I would feel emotionally drained. The feeling of failure would take over me. The over analysis would begin. How could I have done things differently? How could I have saved myself from the position I was in? The resultant heavy self-blame would reconfigure my self-esteem and confidence towards the negative. I hated feeling this way. I didn’t deserve to feel this way. So, as much as I possibly could I would try and avoid those who asked this question.

Donning the hat of personal enlightenment, the root of these negative feelings became clear. I had grown up and conformed to this notion that success was only equated too educational and career success. As, an adult I only deserved to feel good about myself If I was succeeding in my career. If my working position was against what I expected and planned for myself because of this notion of success, then it would negatively affect my identity. Further validation of my identity was attached to how I perceived others to feel about my working position. If that was negative. I did not have that final seal of approval, disallowing myself a positive sense of self-esteem. If, someone asked me about what I did, I wanted to be able to answer with my head held high. I wanted to be worthy enough to be a part of this accepted group. If I did what I was supposed to and successfully followed the path society expected of me then, I was successful.

When I delved further I realized there were so many factors that were beyond my control. I would love to go back in time and advise my younger self, saving me from the majority of the negative experiences and feelings. But, what is the point of what ifs? I can’t go back to change the past. I can only use what I know now to shape the future the way I envision it. Most importantly, I began to not let my identity be weighed by career success. My identity would now be attached to my inner qualities. My character, skills and faith. Any success in my working life would be an asset.

Having experienced the high and lows associated with this question alongside my new focal point of identity, I decided this question had no value anymore. It could no longer cause me any damage. More crucially, I was no longer going to partake in asking this question. I would never want anyone to compare their success to mine and feel lesser. I would never want to ask anyone a question that would cause them to feel uncomfortable, cornered and embarrassed. I would never want to contribute to a negative self-esteem or low confidence. From me you won’t see any judgement. No matter if, you’re not happy with what you do or finding your way. Because I understand that in finding your own path life is not always smooth. If you are overcome by the desire of having to insert what you do or your success into the conversation. Then I’ll be more than happy to share your success and happiness. If your true motive is to make me feel lower in comparison to your accomplishments, then you won’t succeed. Because, I hold my inner value with a deep certainty.

What may seem on the surface an innocent question within the catalogue of small talk, is actually another device of measuring and labelling peoples level of self-worth. In asking, what do you do? You are asking, how good enough are you?

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