In the pursuit of happiness

In the journey of uncovering the depths of my self-awareness, I have come to understand that I have spent a lot of time chasing happiness. Happiness was always my end goal. Wherever I turned, be that real life or social media, I felt everyone was happy, but I was not. Experiences from the past, present or those anticipated for the future were on my mind. I felt they were the reason for my withheld happiness.

This current year has been one of my toughest years. Three significant issues ruminating within a mind that is very self-aware let loose a whole host of emotions. Those that as a society we deem ‘negative’. Sadness, fear, worry, guilt, pain, despair and so on were combined with symptoms of anxiety and depression. My mind, body and heart were all grappled by negative emotions, thoughts and feelings. My head felt heavy. I had little or no sleep. My body was constantly exhausted.

My mind, heart and soul all felt unwell. I wished for a magic wand. A quick flick of the wrist would magically eradicate all of this and I would finally be happy.

When I was experiencing these ‘negative emotions, thoughts and physical symptoms’ I felt worse. Because I kept questioning myself, why can’t I stop feeling this way? Why can’t I get over this already? I felt all I knew was feeling and living in these negative emotional states. I wanted to feel a continual happiness. If I wasn’t in the state of continual happiness I could not let myself enjoy all the little and simple moments in my life. In the pursuit of happiness, I was letting life pass me by.

But what I have come to realize that these emotional states, thoughts and physical symptoms are not negative. They are not bad. I feel as a society we have conditioned ourselves to believe that any emotion that does not come under the umbrella of happiness is wrong. If we are feeling unhappy, then we need to quickly fix this and get back to the ideal societal definition of happiness. So, we are forever stuck in a vicious cycle of pursuing a societal based definition of happiness.

In the pursuit of happiness we engage in these constant internal battles within ourselves. When we are stung by events in our lives, we go into an emotional paralysis. Feelings of sadness, worry, fear, pain and so on, throw us into a deep despair. Anxiety and/or depression become our experiential norm. You might feel like you are constantly carrying your emotional baggage alongside your day to day life. Your shoulders, neck and back have given in. It feels too sore. The pain has become unbearable. One more step might just break you.

Thoughts, emotions and feelings associated with sadness, fear, worry, pain and so on, feel negative. They often feel wrong. Like they are not a state that you should be in. You need to immediately get out of it. But what would happen if you cut off the negative associations of these states. You cut off what you thought, what others thought, what society thought. If you felt sad, you let yourself be sad. With the emotion of sadness your anxiety may heighten. Your heart might starting beating at a faster rate. Your chest may then begin to feel heavy. As, you worry about your heart beat and the heaviness in your chest you might start feeling like you can’t breathe. The sadness you are trying to ignore is on a constant loop in your mind and your body won't stop reacting. But what if in these moments, you pause. You embrace the sadness you are feeling. You close your eyes and take deep breathes to slow down these bodily reactions. You do not allow yourself to panic because of your sad state. You accept all the thoughts, feelings and bodily manifestations.

From sadness to happiness all emotions have a shared value. The ability to be attuned to yourself, moving with the emotion, delicately swaying with its peaks and troughs. Taking control of the emotion, so that it is you who is experiencing its essence. In experiencing this depth of all your emotional states, is what it is, to be truly human.

So, in any emotion you experience, remove the societal labels and connotations. Tune into your emotion and just accept the attached thoughts, feelings and bodily manifestations. In the depths of your emotional awareness and acceptance you will navigate the essence of human experience. In this growth provoking navigation, you will discover your inner equilibrium. And in this you will find your unique and individual state of happiness.

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